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"Wedding" transcript
This is a transcript for S01E03 - "Wedding" * Director: Jason Winer * Creator: Elizabeth Meriwether * Writer: Donick Cary * Original air date USA: 4 October 2011 * Original air date UK: 20 January 2012 * IMDB Rating: 7.6 (11/04/14) Cast * Zooey Deschanel - Jessica "Jess" Day * Jake Johnson - Nick Miller * Max Greenfield - Schmidt * Lamorne Morris - Winston Bishop * Hannah Simone - Cecilia "Cece" Parekh * Mary Elizabeth Ellis - Caroline * Katie Cassidy - Brooke * Natasha Lyonne - Gretchen * Armaan Juneja - Jimmy Longjam * Eric Winzenried - Bartender * Darren Capozzi - DJ Announcer * Dawan Owens - Man * Will Hawkes - Videographer Transcript SCENE: Jess' room, trying on dresses whilst Nick and Schmidt are sitting on the bed waiting for her. JESS: It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames. Nick is 'Nicknack' or 'Mr. Suspenders'... SCHMIDT: No nicknames, okay, your only job tonight, is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay and make sure he stays out of trouble with Caroline. JESS: Why can't you and Winston help? SCHMIDT: We've tried, he doesn't listen to us anymore. ---- FLASHBACK - Nick sitting on the floor crying about Caroline whilst Schmidt stands in the doorway trying to comfort him. SCHMIDT: She's not coming back. (Nick cries even harder). ---- NICK: He's right, I don't. JESS: out of the closet with a hideous, yellow, floral dress Tah dah! SCHMIDT: No! NICK: wide That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess. SCHMIDT: I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay, when I see you I wanna be thinking who let the dirty slut out of the sluthouse? Jess: an English accent Probably the slut butler, right? Winston: his head around the door Yo, let's go, we can't be late, I am in the wedding. Nick:You're the usher, so relax. Winston: Yeah I'll be busy, that way I won't have to sit around answering a bunch of stupid questions all day, like, 'Do you have a job', 'Are you still playing basketball?' Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball? Schmidt: What is the matter with you? Winston: This is the first job I've had in like, two months, dude, and I really just want get in there and ush this wedding in the face! Schmidt: You're gonna be great, man. Jess: So when we do the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently. I know that usually it goes: Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, she went wrong duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, mmm mmm mm... But instead of the clap, I like to do a peck, because it's more realistic. the actions Nick: No chicken dance! Schmidt: Okay, look, we're not trying to be mean, we just don't want you to be yourself... in any way. Jess: Okay, suppress the Jess. Got it. Schmidt: Nick Did you use my hair gel? Nick: Did I use your hair gel? Schmidt: I'm not gonna be mad, just let me know if you did. Nick: No. Schmidt: Sure? Nick: I used your hair gel. Schmidt: Are you serious? Nick: Yeah. comes out of the closet in a pretty purple dress Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the sluthouse? Nick: Wow! You look great! prop teeth Jess: in a Southern American accent but inaudible Schmidt: NO! off Nick: No teeth, Jess! You can't use prop teeth! off Jess: Come on, guys. These are hilarious, kids love these. ---- ROLL TITLES - The short version ---- the foyer to the wedding, Jess, Nick, Winston and Schmidt enter and begin mooching Jess: Wanna know one of my beauty secrets? The only way I could fit in this dress was by wearing little girls' bicycle shorts underneath, they are tight! I will not be peeing tonight. Oh my god, bubbles.... off towards the bubbles Nick: after her clutching her arm and guiding her away No, no, no, no, Jess, no bubbles, no bubbles, please! Schmidt: Hoohoo, a lot of big game here tonight, yoohoohoo. Brooke Oh, oh there's Brooke. Jess: Who's Brooke? Nick: He's been into her, since freshman year. She used to get drunk and pass out on our front porch. It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat. Schmidt: I'd always leave water out for her. Okay, tonight just got real. She's go on top of the 'kill list'. Jess: Is that because you're going to attempt to kill her by having sex with her? Schmidt: More or less, yeah. Jess: Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl. the garden, Jess is doing Nick's tie Jess: Look at my new boyfriend, so fancy in his big-boy tie. Nick: Jess, would you please stop? Jess: Okay, what is it with Caroline, you're like a different person? Nick: Just focus on getting through today, please. Jess: Okay Mr. Boy T Friend. Nick: What did I tell ya? Jess: Huhuh, don't be myself. Nick: Yes. Jess: It's what I love about our relationship, you never let me be myself. is standing, waiting to do his job Man: Hey, Winston. Winston: Hey. Man: You're back. Winston: Yeah. Mam: What are you up to? Where you working at? Winston: Here, as an usher. to a woman who is waiting to be seated Hi, what a beautiful dress. Jimmy: I'm surprised you noticed the dress, I was distracted by the woman inside. Jimmy Longjam, alternate usher. Winston: Alternate usher, I mean, I'm here. I'm the usher. Jimmy: You were late, it's called commitment. Look it up in a typewriter, old man. Winston: What?! Jimmy: How much money do you make? Winston: Where is your mother? Woman: Can somebody help me? Jimmy and Winston: Hello, bride or groom? Woman: Oh, thank you. Jimmy Jess and Schmidt Schmidt: Oh no, no, not tonight, no! at someone Jess: Who is that? Schmidt: It's Gretchen Nelson, she's a terrible person. We can't stand each other, at every wedding we end up having sex. ---- Flashback: Schmidt and Gretchen getting it on in the closet at some wedding with the Bridal March on in the background. Then Schmidt and Gretchen getting it on in a store cupboard at some wedding. End. ---- Schmidt: I mean, the sex was amazing. She's coming over. Nick: Hey, there are those people that we know. Jess: Oooh, what people? walk off and leave Schmidt alone. Schmidt: his throat Hello, Gretchen. I see you wore the pant suit again. Gretchen: This is a new one. It's got way more stretch, in the pants. Schmidt: That's horrible. Gretchen: Are you ready for tonight? I'm gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip. Schmidt: Oh, god, how many are there? Gretchen: It's a two hour slide show. Schmidt: No! Gretchen, we can't do this anymore, okay. It's not...it's not healthy, alright, please, no more. in their chairs, Caroline is staring at Nick with Jess Nick: There she is, there she is, she's right over there. She's right over here. Just be cool. Caroline: over Hi. Nick: Hey, Caroline, wow! I didn't know you were gonna be here. It's good to see you. Jess: Nicholas, you have to introduce me. Nick: Uh, yeah, of course, er..Jess this is Caroline. Caroline: Hi. Jess: One more time, Caroline? and ee sounding i Caroline: Uh, Caroline. Jess: Caroloo...Coraline? Nick: Caroline! Jess: Oh, kay, fancy. Well, I'm Nicholas' girlfriend, we just started dating so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep, so much doing it. Nick: So much doing it, it's crazy. Jess: He's so soft, like a towel. Caroline: Well, uh, it was nice to meet you. Jess: It was so nice to meet you too, Carol. Caroline: Caroline. Jess: Laughs i give up. Caroline: I guess I'll, see you later. Nick: Sure. Jess Oh my god, was she jealous? I think she was jealous. You did so good. That was remarkable. Jess: on prop teeth I'm just doing what ma momma learnt me. Nick: out his hand Gimme the teeth. drops them into his hand ---- At the bar, after the ceremony Schmidt: Hi, wow, Brooke. Schmidt. You used to worry my poncho, freshman year. Remember that? No? Fat Schmidt? Brooke: Fat Schmidt! Of course! Wow, you look great. Schmidt: You, also, sure, um, how are your classes? I mean...not that we're, not that we're in school anymore, I know that. What...what are you drinking? White wine? Brooke: I'm not drinking. I'm sober, six months. Can I get a saltzer, please? Schmidt: Me too. Brooke: You're six months sober, also? Schmidt: Seven months, one more. Brooke: Wow! That's great! Congratulations. Bartender: Here's your white wine. Schmidt: What? That's a mistake, no I didn't order that. No. No, sir! the smell of it... Brooke: I'm going back to my table, but you can come talk to me, if you need to. Schmidt: Okay, thank you. bartender So what I need you to do is this, I need you to put vodka in a water bottle, okay, and rendezvous with me in the restroom, okay? Same page, same page? ---- In the venue Jimmy: at Winston Winston: Nick This kid is pushing my buttons. Nick: Winston, he's just a little boy, relax. Schmidt: If Brooke asks, I six months clean and sober, and looking to settle down. Nick: Great. Jess Schmidt's sober. What are you doing? is touching his face Jess: She's looking at us. at Caroline Your head is shaped like a yam. Nick: Yeah I know, I can't wear soft hats. Hey, when she comes here I want to talk to her about myself. Jess: No. Caroline: Hi, could that ceremony have lasted any longer? at own joke Jess: Hahaha. We loved it, taking notes, unless Mr. Commitment Phobe over here, decides to make an honest women out of me. Caroline: Oh. Nick:: Hey, Jess. Did you wanna go do that thing, for um...? Jess: Yes, I did. I wanted to do it very badly... Leaves Nick: Thank you. DJ: And now, for the first time ever, Mr and Mrs Hammond. walks right into the doorway where the bride and groom are entering through Jess: awkwardly around Yay! Bride and groom! Make way! Hazaar! Celebrate love! Get ready for a wonderful life of merriment and joy. Caroline: Jess is...great. Nick: Yeah, the best. So happy. Caroline: Are you guys pretty serious? Nick: Yeah, we are pretty serious. Yeah, we live together. I mean different bedrooms but shared bathrooms, so that's something. ---- Schmidt at the bar Schmidt: Alcohol, any kind of alcohol you have. Just gimme anything. Thank you. Gretchen: Gimme that. Schmidt: Oh God. It's like you're lapping it out of a puddle. Gretchen: Eugh, where did you get those boots? Off a lady hiker? Schmidt: Look at those earrings. Are they clip ons? Gretchen: Whispers I'm gonna make you wear them. Scmhidt:... Huh. No! is sitting at a table pulling at her shorts Jess: Is it bad that I can't feel my legs? Schmidt: Yes, now let's talk about my problems. Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. I deserve someone like Brooke, she's perfect and it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic mean spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen, it's just, that's not what I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight. Jess: What's so bad about liking Gretchen, I mean you guys obviously have like a weird connection? Schmidt: No, no, no. I wanna connect with Brooke. I wanna connect with her in the shower, on the floor, sitting Indian style. Jess: Okay, you know what, you can keep talking but I'm gonna put my hands over my ears. Winston: We got a problem. look over at Nick and Caroline talking Schmidt: Jess, what did you do? Jess: Look, they're fine. They're just talking. Schmidt: No, not fine. Winston: No, no, no. With Caroline, he is not fine. Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago, then sent me a ten page email about what she meant when she said 'I'll see you soon'. Schmidt: She will flirt with until she knows she can have him. It's like he's her back up plan. Jess: I didn't know that. Schmidt: You wanna live with Nick when he's not showering and crying all day? Winston: Yeah, it sounds like this. Nick Schmidt: You ever heard a grown man sob listening to Simon and Garfunkel? Jess: Yeah, my dad. Schmidt: Yeah. Jess: Okay, I get it, I'll go but I just...these biker shorts are really tight... Schmidt: her up Come on, work through it. Jess: Okay, okay. Schmidt: It's all on you, Jess. starts dancing in front of the table where Nick and Caroline are sat Jess: Come on in, honey. The water's fine. Nick: Jess, you know I don't dance. Jess: Oh, but you didn't know that I did this. to mime dance I'm mime walking, I'm Mimechael Jackson. Nick: nervously Caroline: I'm gonna get a drink. Nick: Me too. Jess: Nick, wait, no. Nick: Yes, relax this is good, I may actually have a chance and it's all because of you so thank you. Jess: No Nick, that wasn't my intention. Nick, Nick! comes up and starts dancing with Jess Oh, hi. I don't feel like dancing right now, I'm sorry. I'm really uncomfortable right now.Oh Winston, thank God. Nick got away! Winston: Nick can wait, this, this is about honesty. having a dance off with Jimmy DJ: And, looks like we have a dance off. Winston: What?! grinding on Jess Jess: Oh my God, what are you doing?! Jimmy: Mom! Mommy?! Jess: Nick? Nick!? ---- Later on in the after party, Schmidt approaches Brooke Schmidt: The chocolate fountain, it reminds me of the one in Tuscany, you ever been? Brooke: Yeah, I was just there for New Year's, where's the chocolate fountain? Schmidt: I don't know, I've never been, I'm just fascinated with the culture. Jess: the other side of the room Schmidt! Schmidt! I need you to help me take these off so I can go find Nick! Brooke: God, are you friends with that girl? Jess: Schmidt?!! Schmidt: Look, I didn't want to have to tell you this but, she was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom. I was her Sid and she was my Nancy and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it and the poor thing just went, she went crazy. Jess: Schmidt! I need you to help me slap my thighs around! Schmidt: I don't want to scare you, but she can be very dangerous when she drinks. Okay, I shouldn't even be in the same room as her, it's just, it feels so good talking to you. Brooke: Maybe we should get you out of here. Schmidt: What a great idea, ues. Brooke: I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly. Schmidt: Whatever you need, whatever, yeah, of course. ---- Nick and Caroline are in a photo booth Nick: Ready, no lips. Name one, name one. Caroline: Do, uh, wind tunnel! Nick: Super high drivers license. Caroline: Laughs Can we stay in here all night? ---- Brooke walks into the restroom and finds Jess in there Jess: Oh, hi! Schmidt is very fond of you. Brooke: Um, look, I..I don't know...I don't even know him that well, okay? Jess: Oh! I'm just cutting off my underwear, you know, girl stuff. them off Ahh. So tight. Well, it's been really nice chatting with you but I've gotta pretend boyfriend to hunt down, I think he's cheating on me a pallette knife and don't break Schmidt's heart, or you'll have me to deal with. Laughs ---- Nick and Caroline still in the photo booth Jess: back curtain of photo booth Aha! I trusted you! Nick: Jess, get outta here. Caroline: Nothing happened. Jess: After everything we've built. Nick: Go away, Jess, please. Jess: Who are you? Caroline: No, really, nothing happened. I have a boyfriend. Nick: Wait, you have a boyfriend? Caroline: Yeah, well I've been seeing someone. I didn't want to bring him because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now I know that you have Jess... Jess: Yeah, he has me... and our baby! Caroline: Okay, I'm just gonna let you guys... Jess: And our other baby! Schmidt: up to Jess Jess, what happened with Brooke? Jess: What? Schmidt: She just left here in tears because she said that you threatened her with a knife!? Jess: No, I was talking you up. Schmidt: No, you shouldn't have been talking me up, you should've been taking care of Nick. Why is it so hard to do one thing? Jess: How is this my fault? Schmidt: Ruiner. Jess: Uh, did you just call me a ruiner? Schmidt: Yeah. Jess: Okay, you know what, forget it. I'm not helping you guys anymore. Give me my teeth back. in Nick's jacket Nick: Stop it, Jess. Jess: You don't appreciate them. Nick: Cool it! Jess: Give them back. I'm gonna have fun, in teeth cause there's nothing wrong with who I am, and I like having fun at weddings, and I like dancing, and if you don't like that, then tough teeter tots, tooter. Jess is back. off Gretchen: over to Schmidt Ah, you going home with me aren't you? the clip on earrings on him Good boy. his ass ---- Drunken Nick being filmed for the happy couple Nick: up pictures from the photo booth That's Caroline and that's me. Four years we were together so...it doesn't matter to me, it's just what matter is..respect. Crying I'm just so alone right now, man and it's a real bad situation... Camera Man: Uh, Steve and Bree. Nick: Steve and Bree, because that's what this is about, I agree with you, you're good at your job, man. to the cardboard cut out of Steve and Bree I'm so happy for you, you look great, it feels a little bit like you're rubbing it in my face, you know, happiness, but let's be honest, Bree, this doesn't look great on you. to the dress This. That's not a great look, Bree! Congratulations, Steve, nice fedora and no open bar, Steve, don't you understand that's tacky! You're dad's rich, you're a lawyer, man. over cardboard cut out Yeah! That happened! over to the photo booth The photo booth is a liar, fyi. curtain Oh, hey ladies, you guys wanna see a grown man cry? No? Then get out! I think I saw a single doctor looking at you. one of the women This is gonna take a while, Orange. ---- Jess. sitting at a table, blowing bubbles Jess: Hi there, partner. Winston: down and put his feet up like Jess Hey, can I tell you something you promise to never tell Schmidt? I love bubbles! Laughs I don't know why, I just always have. the bubbles and blows some, laughs again You see that, that was like two in one. Jess: Woah. Winston: Are you okay? Jess: Yeah, I'm fine. Winston: Those guys were jerks, but I know that they're glad you're around. Jess: Really? Winston: Yeahh, I'm just gonna come out and say it, especially Nick, but they're all thinking it. Even me. Most of the time. Jess: Smiles It was weird, when I was stuck in a freak sandwich between you and that eight year old. Do you wanna talk about that? Winston: Sniggers You know, it's just that he got to be a bit annoying, so.. I kinda took my feelings out with dance...? laughs Schmidt: Okay, er, so, we have a situation. ---- Scene: drunkenly talking in the photo booth to himself Winston: Hey, Nick. Nick: It's mine now. Winston: How're you doing, buddy? Nick: They want me to leave the booth...but I'm staying. This is my home now. It's got everything that I need. Schmidt: the pictures to Jess You can see by looking at these pictures, that he's experiencing a variety of different emotions. This one is... well that's actually his butt. He just keeps saying, Jess. Nick: Jess! The fact is, is I was a mean person and I'm sorry, okay? Jess: her head into the booth Hi, Nicholas. Nick: Hey, Jess. I live in a photo booth, now. Jess: Oh, is that so? Nick: Yup. Come on in, come on in. That's the kitchen area. Jess: Very nice. Nick: This is the common area. Jess: Oh, okay. Nick: Dining room, living room, kind of everything. Jess: It's very nice. Hey...she had a boyfriend... Nick: Yeah. Jess: She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night. You can't be her back up plan. You have to let each other go. So now, you have to make a decision. Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off and dance my face off. Laughs Come on, it's up to you. Leaves Nick: Oh, man, all right. the wall I love you photo booth. Leaves ---- Winston walks into the main room, and looks over at Nick and Caroline talking Winston: over to the table where Jess and Schmidt are Yo, look at him. He looks better. and Caroline Nick: I can't do this anymore. I have to let you go, Caroline, for real. It has to be over. Caroline: Sighs Um... him Nick: Goodbye, good luck and everything. Caroline: Good bye. Nick: Alright, um, I've gotta, excuse me. over to Jess, just as a song comes on Come on, Jess. Jess: What? Nick: Just please? Just come with me, right now. gets up and they walk onto the dancefloor and face each other starts doing a slow motion chicken dance to the music Jess: and joins in Schmidt: You know, that looks like so much fun. up and joins in Winston: and joins in too Schmidt: Check out my beats. Winston: Stop copying my beats. ---- Scene: Schmidt tied to Gretchen's bed Schmidt: Gretchen, you think that like, hooking up at all these weddings...I mean one of these times, we go on an actual date. Gretchen: No! I'm just using you for your body. Schmidt: Oh, okay, cool. How many more of these things? Gretchen: We're just getting started. Schmidt: That yellow helmet is... ugh. Gretchen: Tonight, I'm gonna get certified on the River Schmidt. ---- END SCENE Category:Episode Transcripts